To answer the question, “Why do I attract unavailable guys?” my answer would be, “Because you let it happen”.
Hold on; I’m not trying to attack you.
I recently learned about a concept called “Locus of control”.
Permit me to tell you a bit about it before we go on.
According to Wikipedia, “Locus of control is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces, have control over the outcome of events in their lives.”
Two forms of Locus of control exist: external and internal.
People who have an external locus of control believe that the external forces beyond their control are responsible for the outcomes in their lives.
While people who have an internal locus of control believe that the outcomes they get in their lives are largely a result of their own decisions and actions.
Going through life with an internal locus of control is the secret to taking charge of your life and getting better outcomes.
Of course, many factors are responsible for the things that happen to us, and some of them are beyond our control.
But when you choose to focus on the things you can control, your life is much better.
If you always attract emotionally unavailable men, you may be wondering what is responsible for that.
You don’t have to wonder anymore because you’re about to find out.
And no, I’m not about to heap all of the blame on you.
Many of the reasons will be linked to you, but it is not to blame you.
It is to make you self-reflect and show up as a higher version of yourself.
Why Do I Attract Unavailable Guys?
1. Your circle
It is common knowledge that the kind of people you meet are very dependent on your environment.
If all your friends are unavailable men, then you should expect to attract the same kinds of people.
Also, the places you go most frequently and the people you keep in your circle will influence a lot of things in your life, and this includes the kind of people that approach you.
If you are constantly in circles where most people do not respect commitments or are unavailable partners, chances are you would end up with someone like that too.
This is because many of the people around you have similar patterns and behave in similar ways.
2. You like them
Your attracting unavailable men can be because you like those kinds of men.
Knowingly or unknowingly, you may have an affinity for men who are physically or emotionally available.
This may sound strange, but it happens to more women than you know.
Some women just like to be with men who are distant and act unreachable or far.
They find it attractive and appealing to constantly be the one chasing their man for his attention.
As a result of this, they keep attracting such men.
If this is a subconscious thing for you, you may not be aware that you are attracted to such men.
It will require a lot of deep thinking and self-reflection for you to figure it out.
3. You accommodate them
Whatever you permit grows and is likely to continue.
Thus, when you let a distant man into your life and accommodate his behaviour by constantly chasing after him and accepting his unavailability, the pattern is likely to repeat itself over and over.
You see, if you want something different in your relationships, you have to be willing to do things differently, you know?
Sometimes, you have to be intentional about the happenings in your life in order to see the results you want to see.
When you don’t stop certain things, they continue and become a pattern.
Embracing and accommodating men who are emotionally and physically unavailable is likely to make more of such men come your way.
When they notice that they are welcome and allowed to stay, they are not likely to change or move.
It is also likely that more of them will come.
4. You’re unavailable
If you are an unavailable person, that can be the reason why you keep attracting unavailable men.
Sometimes like charges attract because something in them draws them to each other – almost like a magnet.
Even when you do not show many signs of being unavailable, the few signs you show may immediately be picked up by men who are the same way, making them come your way.
You should assess yourself and try to understand why you are unavailable.
Are you afraid of commitment?
Are you carrying emotional baggage from past relationships?
These are some of the questions that can help you identify the problem.
5. You’re too available
On the flip side, being too available can be the reason you are attracting unavailable men.
There are times when unlike charges too attract.
Some people are attracted to people who are very different from them.
It’s like they see something in you that they lack, and it makes them want you, especially if you are available to a fault, showering all the affection and positive emotions on them.
Unavailable men may like you due to the singular fact that you are always there.
They know that no matter how far they wander and how much they are detached, whenever they choose to return to you, you will always be there.
6. You are creating them
I don’t mean this literally.
You may not be taking clay to mould unavailable men yourself, but you can be creating them through your words or actions.
If you notice that the men who keep coming to you show the same signs, like being distant, suppressing their emotions, or being self-absorbed, you may want to consider the fact that something about you is making them that way.
It could be the way you talk to them, which may make them feel like they don’t need to express their feelings.
Probably because your words and actions are harsh and abrasive, pushing them far from you and making them emotionally unavailable.
Or it could be your lack of want for commitment, making them more comfortable with keeping their distance.
Maybe they weren’t unavailable before meeting you, but because their relationship with you is lacking a solid emotional foundation, they change.
Also, if you don’t communicate with empathy or compassion to them, you may be disconnecting them emotionally.
This explains why they all seem to act the same way – your actions are changing them.
7. You’re too nice
I have noticed that girls who always play nice and tolerate everything thrown at them by their partners usually end up with toxic, unhealthy, or unavailable people.
This is because human beings need to be held accountable, or else they could be wild or unreasonable in their actions.
Being nice is great and healthy, but being too nice can have a very negative effect on you.
It can make you attract the wrong kind of people, in this case, unavailable guys.
While you may unhappy about the kind of men you are attracting, you must recognize the fact that you have the power of choice – you can choose to accept these unavailable men, and you can choose to reject them.
When you refuse to be affiliated with these men, soon enough, they’ll stop coming your way.
Add that to identifying what brought them in the first place and fixing it, and the problem is solved.
The reasons listed above will help you figure out what the reason is for you and help you make better decisions that directly affect the kinds of men you attract.